Pour Some Sugar on Me......

Last night I had the odd oppurtunity to go to a Def Leppard/Bryan Adams concert in Schaumburg, Illinois. Schaumburg is a suburb of Chicago. A Western Suburb. I needed to clarify "Western Suburb" because the residents of the Chicago Burbs get really pissy about which direction they live in. Do not ever ask someone from Evanston if Evanston is west--they will hit you over the head with their fake Prada bag! Evanston is NORTH you bitches and don't ever forget it!

The abovesaid Def Leppard/Bryan Adams concert was at a Minor League baseball field. Weird, I know.
I usually feel like an outsider here in the Chicago Suburbs. I am originally from Oklahoma, but when I go back to Oklahoma to visit I feel like an outsider there also. I am like Little Girl Lost, or Man Without a Country. There are a couple of places I feel I fit in, but I cannot afford to live in New York City or Paris ...so alas I will stay here in the burbs and complain constantly about it.

Now, I am a child of the 80's and 90's --so Def Leppard and Bryan Adams are right up my alley. Of course I knew all the words and rocked with the best of them! The people who go to Old School Rock Concerts in Schaumburg, Illinois are a VERY scary lot. Let me explain:
First off --Men of the Midwest ( I am not limiting this to only Chicago Suburbanites, and I am speaking mainly to straight men -- as the gay boys in Chicago do know how to dress)
I am talking the WHOLE MIDWEST--Please listen to the following public service announcement:
Mandals with the socks au gratin, denim shorts and Urlacher jerseys IS NOT A GOOD LOOK! And for the record--BLACK JEANS HAVE NOT MADE A COMEBACK.
The mandals =man sandal with the velcro straps that are usually brown -- are horrid with the socks au gratin, but last night I came to realize socks au gratin are much better than most of their bare feet. When a man would walk by in the mandals (minus the socks au gratin) I willed myself not to look..but like a bad wreck on the highway I HAD to look. Oh the carnage of mangled yellow toenails! It was awful! Do these men not SEE their feet? Their ginger root looking feet? Dirty feet?
Having said all that, I must admit I like the mandals better than the FREAKING DOC MARTINS--when will those ugly freakin shoes GO AWAY?

As I am an equal oppurtunity insulter I will also address the ladies of the Midwest. Now, the gals of the Midwest are an interesting crowd. I am not like any of them. Well--a few of them, but a VERY few.
The ladies in the Midwest (especially the Chicago Suburbs and Northern Indiana Suburbs) have a style that I like to call Suburb Chic. It is a triple play of pathetic. The 3 main ingredients are: A pair of Skechers (the tennis shoes), a scrunchie (for their hair) and a cigarette. Mom jeans, and tank top with no bra optional. And ladies of the midwest--just because you have your bellybutton pierced DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO SHOW US YOUR DOUGH LIKE WHITE BELLIES with the fake diamomd heart through your big stretched out navel.

As for the concert itself--it was really good. Def Leppard rocked and they were very energetic and very involved with the crowd. As far as I know it was all the original band members. The guitar players played with no shirts on --and they looked pretty good actually. The drummer with only one arm came out for a special hello. Bless his heart. I have a lot of memories with Def Leppard as the backgroudn music -especially the Hysteria CD (waves to Kelly). Bryan Adams looked hot, and from where I stood, I could not even see his pock marks. But I will say some men can pull off pock marks. Ray Liotta--case in point. Bryan rocked "Summer of 69" and "Cuts Like a Knife" I felt like I was back at Lake Hefner in a car NOT making out with a boy. HA!
A singer named Ryan Coleman -ryancoleman.net ( I hope I have that right) opened for them and he was very cool. I will check out his stuff soon.

I will leave you with the funniest things I saw last night--One particularly drunk mandal clad man had on a shirt that said "Grabberbootie and Pinch" It was set up like an Abercrombie and Fitch shirt. I was cracking up. I still have not figured out if it is really that funny, or if the beer was just really good! The other funny thing I saw was a Harley riding mullet man wearing a shirt that said "If my motorcycle could blow me, I would never go home". How romantic.
Midwesterners are WEIRD.

*** no offense to anyone who lives in the Midwest. My blog is for ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. But ya'll still need a little lip gloss and some cute shoes!

Two Trailer Park Girls.......

Yesterday I spent the day with my friend "T" in Chicago. I have been friends with "T" for about 4 years. She was actually my very first Improv teacher in Chicago. It took a while for us to become friends, because all the girls in our class thought she hated us and only liked the boys. As I have come to find out she did like us girls in the class just not nearly as much as she liked the boys. "T" really likes boys.

"T" is one of my interesting single friends. She always has a crazy story to tell, and everytime I go out with her something crazy happens. My husband calls "T" my Sex in the City Friend--not because he goes to the city to have sex with her --My God. No...it is because her life is rather like the characters on Sex in the City--if Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha drank a lot of beer and went to a lot of Chicago Cubs games. "T" works hard for the money, and she likes to have a good time.

"T" is, like me a Southern transplant to the Chicago area. So we have a lot of things to talk about-- like Dillards, Sonic, Wal Mart Supercenters and Double Cousins--white trash shout out! "T" has many talents that I envy. Do you remember Whistle Pops? The candy lollipop whistles? Well "T" is very good on the whistle pop. She even takes requests. One fond memory I have of "T" is a few years ago we were walking in Boystown (an area of Chicago known for a high population of gay men) and "T" had a whistle pop--I did not as I was cutting carbs. She was playing like the damn pied piper all through Boystown. I bet she played solid for 8 or 9 rainbows (the blocks in Boystown are marked with rainbows--so instead of blocks there they are rainbows). She decided it was not fair for her to get all the attention so she asked me and my friend "E" to sing as she played.
"E" only knows old school country music, so it was all up to me to turn that motha out.

Me: Two trailer park girls go round the outside, round the outside, round the outside--Two trailer park girls go round the outside round the outside round the outside ..etc etc

"T" : Whistling her little heart out stumbling because she is laughing so hard, whilst tripping on her fab wedge sandals.


The gay boys loved us. As we passed the Caribou Coffee where a bunch of boys were outside drinking their skim lattes, the manager happened to walk by and he invited us to open mic. night. He said they try to promote local talent--singers, poets, etc.
"T" was all for it, but I started my usual "I live too far, I do not want to take the train at night" blah blah. So we politlely declined the offer. I am still kicking myself. A few of the boys sitting outside offered us their cards as they word for various talent agencies. We have since found out there is really not a market for a whistle pop player/singer in Chicago. Maybe in Austin or whereever the White Stripes are from. I hear that is how they started, just a whistle pop and a dream. And look how it turned out for them!

Could "T" and I have ever made the big time? We will never know. We let the oppurtunity slip by.
What oppurtunities have you let slip by?

Hi "T"!!!!!!!

Welcome To MonkeyPosh.

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, Perfume Addicts, and Wannabe Supermodels-

As you may or may not know--I am anti-blog. There are too many blogs and there is too little time. Yes, Yes, I love you all, and I am sure your blogs are so very cool and whatever, but if I read every damn blog I will not have time to pick up party platters at Chile's and watch Sex in the City DVD's. Get real. I have priorities. Oh, I know, you are all brilliant, and funny and whatnot, and you all REALLY WANT TO BE HEARD. OK OK--part of the reason I am anti blog is because all of you have cute pictures and graphics and I do not know how to to that. I will try to learn so MonkeyPosh can be just as entertaining as your brilliant, funny, intelligent and visually stimulationg blogs. Geez.

The REAL reason I started this damn blog this morning is because my lovely friend Annie has challenged me to the World Cup/John Deere Classic of coffee creamers. Her snotty little blog (THAT I FREAKIN NAMED MIND YOU) will not let me post unless
I become a blogger. So it is with heavy heart that I now have a blog just so I can smart off to Annie. Oh the depths one will go to to be a smartass. Being a smartass is one of the ONLY things I have going for me, so I will at all costs use my talents and abilities to be one. I like to think I am funny, but really, I am just a smart ass.

Now, you may be wondering why I named my blog MonkeyPosh--WELL--I love monkeys (waves to Monkey) and I love all things Posh. Clothes, shoes, food, wine, PERFUME, and the occasional fine cuban cigar. Just kidding about the cigar. I never smoke anything.

Ok I am going to try again to smart off to Annie before Oprah comes on.
She is on Desperate Housewives this morning on her show in some REALLY tight jeans. I am so excited. It's the little things, isn't it?